hanging by a thread

you know what? even if you ever read this, i doubt you know that it's even you. i feel like crying out loud, but i can't. i practically bombed the phone just to confirm if it was you, praying that it wasn't. and when the truth dawned on me, you didn't know how great the impact was, nor did you know how thrashed i felt. you brought up my hopes, and then dumped it all the way down to a negative million. i don't want to wake up, nor do i want to believe. it's another de javu. i hate to admit it, maybe it's another misunderstanding. just how many misunderstandings did we have? enough is enough. i don't fucking care what misunderstanding it is this time. spamming trigo, further coordinate geometry, geography won't help to ease the pain, not even a single bit. it aches so badly, i started to ask myself why. why did i fall in this badly, why did i even started this, why did i expect so much. self-denial won't help but reality is harsh, so harsh i don't know how long i can withstand it. i didn't dare to look at all last conversations/ texts we once had because i wouldn't be able to hold back my tears. you had no idea how happy i was when you called/ talked to me. because it was rare, really rare. maybe because i was too enthusiastic, i wasn't fully conscious, i don't know because my heart is equally confused. i don't know which way i'm heading right now, i'm lost. i know i shouldn't be grieving over this, but it hurts so much i can't simply ignore the pain that's bothering me. you know i'm weak, that i'm not as strong as others thought i was, yet this was what you've given me. what should i say? well done? forget it.